Solo

When I went back to the States for my final year at CSU 9 years ago, I never thought that would be my final solo trip for a long while. So when I was asked if I would go to Bangkok to conduct a training class, I got very excited and quickly said yes! That was 2 weeks ago.

Last night, it finally hit me that I will be missing my kids like crazy. I will especially miss their scent; Azam smells like hot-dog buns, Hanna's curly hair smells sweet-sour, and Zaira of course, smells like a baby. My God, how am I going to survive for one week without them? I had picked the first flight out of KL so I could leave the house without their teary farewell of "Mommy I want to come with you". But as it turned out, leaving them when they were asleep was just as hard!

What if my plane crashed like the Air France flight?
What if I contracted H1N1 and died?
What if...? What if...?
I will never see them again!

I quickly brushed all bad thoughts aside and said good bye to my parents who'd come yesterday to help Jeremy out with the kids. My Dad sent me off to the driveway. I felt 23 years old again, a feeling of deja-vu from 12 years ago when he sent me off to the old Subang Airport for my first year at CSU. My father, my Abah, my hero who did so much for me. Suddenly it was getting harder for me to leave.

Jeremy took the KLIA Express with me to the airport. I stopped by at the book store to get a magazine and that's where I learned about Yasmin Ahmad's death. She had a stroke when she was presenting a business proposal to our local TV station, lost consciousness, went into a comma and died in a matter of 3 days! It's a big loss to our filming industry, I loved all her movies especially Talentime. Anyways, funny as it sounds, I take comfort in knowing that when your time is up, it's up, and there's no point worrying about a plane crash or a swine flu!

So I hugged Jeremy, breathed 3 conscious breaths, and hurried to my boarding gate. I might have something in my eyes, but my heart suddenly feels very light.